EP.21: What’s Missing? A Conversation About Fulfillment

Often when life doesn’t feel like it’s going the way we hoped or there’s a general feeling of lack, we go to work trying to fill the void in whatever way we know how. But this isn’t always the best plan of action. Maybe all we need is not something, but a simple shift in our thinking.

That’s what we’re discussing in today’s episode. I’m glad you’re here.

Welcome back! I’m excited about today’s episode because we’re talking about one of my favorite topics – figuring out what’s missing in our lives. 

And I think you’ll be surprised to learn that what’s missing isn’t a noun in the form of a specific person, place, or thing. What’s missing is a feeling … a mental state of being.

It seems like everywhere we turn these days there are seemingly new ways of going about old problems – how to lose weight, how to get better sleep, how to have more friends or land the job you want. 

But all of these desires have one thing in common – your happiness and your ability to feel is tied to an outcome. 

If this, then that.

The way this is woven into our society isn’t helpful and only leaves us wanting more and feeling less happy and fulfilled than we’ve ever been. 

So how do you go about flipping the script and looking at what’s missing in our lives in a way that’s healthy and productive? 

That’s the topic of today’s podcast.

If you were sitting across from me on my sofa and we were just having coffee as friends. And I asked you, what’s missing in your life? What goes through your mind?

Do you panic? Does the question make you angry? Do you feel defeated before you even open your mouth?

Are there too many things to list? Or is there one glaring area that tops the chart?

We tend to look at this question through a lens of longing that’s cut short. 

By that I mean, we might be able to readily answer the “what” in what’s missing, but whatever the answer is may have eluded us for so long, that we’ve given up even contemplating it. 

We also default to answering the question with concrete examples like the ones I already mentioned – as if a new car or a move to a new city will create the feeling we’re after. The tricky part is, it often does. 

If we set a goal or work toward a specific outcome and then we achieve it – it does provide a level of accomplishment or relief. 

But then what? 

Soon enough that familiar feeling that now something else is missing is right behind the outcome you just achieved. 

But here’s what I want you to know …  What you want is not an outcome. It’s a feeling.

And I want to help you find a way to tap into your feelings on a more regular basis so your outcomes become mere bonuses.

You can live a life that feels fulfilling, purposeful, and present. You just need a little perspective shift.

The first time I walked into my counselor’s office back in 2004 I sat timidly on his couch, trying not to cry, but asking to hold the tissue box anyway because I knew myself well enough to know … I would need it.

It only took a handful of minutes before I felt safe enough to tell the whole truth of what led me to his office that day. 

And there I sat, spilling my guts about all the things that felt wrong in my life … my job didn’t feel fulfilling, my relationship made me sad, and I didn’t even feel like I was living in the right state for crying out loud. 

All the feelings I’d bottled up and had been stifling for years just poured out like soda foam that bubbles over the glass when you pour too quickly. I couldn’t help myself. He was listening, so I was talking.

He sat there … patiently waiting for me to take a breath. And when I did he calmly said, “That’s a lot. But I hear you telling me all about what you don’t want. What is it that you do?”

I froze. 

“What do you mean what do I want?” I thought to myself. “How dare you ask me that?” 

But that thought quickly faded and I softened. “I don’t know.” I said shyly.

“Great!” He responded.

Great? I’m sitting here pouring my heart out to you and you think it’s great that I feel broken and like my life will never amount to anything?

But what he meant was, great that you’re not sure how to answer that question … yet. Let’s talk about it until you do.

I thought maybe he expected me to whip some road map of my life I’d created in 4th grade to show him where I’d gone off course and ask for his help to guide me back to the highway.

But that wasn’t the case. 

All he wanted to know, was at this point in my adult life – where did I want to go next? What did I want to see happen in my life? What was missing? 

I thought my answer would be something to the effect of, I want a better job or I want a different relationship. But there was something about the way he asked questions that made me think differently about my answers.

To the point where suddenly I found myself telling a story about how when I was eight, I had been introduced to the world of gymnastics by watching Mary Lou Retton win the Gold Medal and score a perfect 10 in the Olympics. 

Immediately, I was hooked and begged my mom to sign me up for gymnastics class. 

As I recounted those moments of my childhood in his office, my body language shifted. I went from staring down at the tissue box perched on top of my knees to letting my eyes wander up toward the ceiling as if the memory was above me. 

A light had turned on inside. A warm glow of that memory permeated my whole being and a feeling ignited.

I couldn’t remember the last time that warm glow had happened.

As children, we can imagine ourselves in almost any make-believe world as long as we believe in the possibility. 

It’s why toddlers wear capes and believe they can fly, and why, as I stood in line with all the other little girls, by the big blue mat at my first gymnastics class, it didn’t matter to me that I was learning how to properly tuck my chin to my chest for a forward roll. 

In my mind, I already was Mary Lou Retton. 

And recounting that one memory after pouring my heart out, lit me up from the inside out and all but made me forget about my problems. I hadn’t become Mary Lou Retton. Not when I was eight or 18 or even 28 as I happened to be that day … 

It wasn’t the outcome of becoming her that mattered. It was the feeling that ignited a path and a passion that catapulted me into something that, for a time, gave me life and purpose. 

That’s the point. 

Feelings give us life and hope and an opening to possibility.

That’s what’s missing for most of us.

The magic of that first counseling session for me was not that I walked out feeling fixed or even that I knew exactly where I was headed. The idea that my world, my adult world, was just as packed with possibility as my childhood had been, blew my mind. 

I was 20 years beyond the idea that I wanted to be an Olympian, but I left the counseling office that day feeling as though it had actually come true. And I wondered, how did that one conversation spark such clarity and emotion? 

I was no closer to obtaining all that felt like it was missing in my life. But it didn’t matter. Because the door of possibility had flung wide open and I was finally ready to explore the question more readily and with less cynicism.

Here’s why this matters. 

When I talk about the importance of stillness, journaling, and inviting God into the conversation, there’s a clear distinction as to why I believe these three pieces are so important.

Stillness – is the quiet act of reflection – so I can know myself better. So I can listen to what my heart is trying to tell me. And so that I can hear God’s voice when he’s reminding me who I am – who He made me to be.

Inviting God into the space is just a way to connect. To not be deciphering my feelings and my circumstances on my own. To have discernment. To allow God to echo back to me what He sees and what he knows is true. Both now and in the future. 

Journaling simply serves as the record. Because let’s be honest, my life is so full I can’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday, let alone keep track of the really honest thoughts I have while driving or folding laundry.

Those three pieces – Sitting in the Quiet, Inviting God in, and Writing in my journal – serve as the safe space … the place where God is helping me decipher the feeling I’m after. 

Because outcomes … the destinations at which we so desperately hope to arrive … they keep moving.

Outcomes are fixed. 

And I get it … we choose outcomes – goals – because we think that somehow if we reach those goals we will feel differently than we do right now and the void of what’s missing will be eliminated.

And it’s true – sometimes we do. Sometimes we reach the outcome and feel differently – for a fleeting moment. But then we need to find new outcomes to fill the void. 

But there is a different way to go about it. We can feel differently now. In the safety of a space where we are seen and heard wholly for who we are.

When I left the counseling office that day, I felt different and yet, nothing had changed about my circumstances. Nothing. 

Here’s why this matters.

If we begin to better understand ourselves – who we are and what we believe, we can peel back the layers of the question, “What’s missing?” to see the underlying feelings we’re after. Which are typically tucked deep beneath the surface, more outcome-based answers. 

And when we understand better how we want to feel, we can find ways to summon the feelings without having to change our outside circumstance at all. 

It’s crazy but it works.

Just yesterday – it was one of those days where every single task I tried to complete was met with resistance. We just started our homeschool year and needed to switch gears after only a week of using one science curriculum. I had to go back to the drawing board and do more research. 

Every time I sat down at my desk to write, the doorbell rang, or I was suddenly starving, or a problem would pop up in my email. 

The frustration levels were creeping higher and higher as the afternoon wore on and I knew I was not going to hit my work goal or our homeschool goal for the day. And I still had to run into town to grab the dog from the groomer and get back in time to head out for our dinner plans. 

At one point, I took a breath and grabbed my journal.

I only wrote one page. As I began allowing my frustration to move out of my mind and through my pen to my notebook, I felt the tension start to release. 

I knew the day wasn’t lost. I just needed a reset.

As I neared the end of my page, my phone dinged with a notification that my dog was ready and I had just enough time to get to her and get back again. And I let go of whatever expectations I had for my afternoon.

This quick, less than 10-minute journal session gave me permission to set aside the feeling of frustration and welcome the joy of spending an evening with family I hadn’t seen in a while.

I could have very easily let my day spill over into my evening and therefore ruin my chance of real connection. I could have griped all the way to dinner about how nothing ever goes my way or how my podcast episode will never get recorded. 

And that would have fed an even bigger narrative – about what’s missing in my life and how I’ll never get there … to that elusive destination somewhere off in the future.

But instead, I reminded myself that who I am and where I am is exactly as it should be for today. 

And the feeling of purpose and joy that I long to feel regularly, is readily available if I stop and reclaim it.

And in that case … it’s not missing. 

Here’s my invitation to you. If you find yourself longing for what’s missing in your life, investigate what the feeling might be that you’re after. 

And If you’re feeling so compelled, grab a notebook and a pen and write through it. Ask yourself, “What’s missing?” and then dig in until you begin to uncover the truth. What’s the missing feeling? And when might be the last time you felt that feeling?

If nothing comes right away. That’s okay. Sit with it. Let it simmer in the background of your days. Ask God to bring you some ideas. This is all part of the process. And when you hit on it … you’ll know. Because it’ll feel like a spark you can’t ignore.

Thank you so much for spending time with me today. 

If you know of someone who could benefit from listening to this podcast or today’s episode, I encourage you to share this with them. 

If you’re feeling inspired to dive deeper into this practice, I can’t wait to invite you to check out our community, The Be Still Collective. Our first gathering is fast approaching in October 2024 and if you want to be the first to learn about it, please make sure I’ve got your email. You can visit my website at www.bestillwithbobbi.com to download a copy of my “Journaling 10 in 10.” It’s a workbook I designed to jumpstart your journaling journey. And it’s FREE! 

Until next time, remember: in the stillness, you’ll find your strength and purpose and the truest version of yourself. 

Bye for now. b