EP.33: The Secret To More Fulfilling Relationships (It’s Not What You Think)

What if the key to deeper, more fulfilling relationships isn’t about changing others – but about shifting how you show up?

In this episode, we’re exploring what it really takes to cultivate stronger, more meaningful connections – with your partner, kids, friends, and even the person you’re becoming. We’ll talk about the power of presence, the role of self-awareness, and why slowing down is one of the most loving things you can do for the people in your life.

You’ll also hear some personal stories about what I’ve learned through parenting, friendships, and, yes – even dating in my 40s. (Spoiler alert: it’s been a trip.)

If you’ve ever felt like your relationships are missing something – or if you’re craving more depth, connection, and joy in how you relate to the people around you – this episode is for you.

Take a deep breath, settle in, and let’s chat.

[INTRODUCTION]

Hi friends, welcome back to the Be Still With Bobbi podcast! I’m so excited for today’s conversation because it’s one I think we all need—whether we realize it or not.

If you’re listening to this episode in real-time, today is Valentine’s Day 2025. I have to admit, I’m not much of a Valentine’s Day girl. I don’t need a fancy dinner out or roses to remind me I’m loved. But I do love love of all shapes and sizes.

So, today we’re continuing our February series all about love—but not just love in the traditional sense. If you’ve been following along, last week we talked about self-love—about learning to accept and embrace yourself exactly as you are, without waiting for some future version of you to be “worthy.” If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, I highly recommend you go back and check it out.

Today, we’re shifting the conversation from loving yourself to loving your relationships. But maybe not in the way you’d expect.

We’re not diving into relationship advice today. I’m not a relationship expert. I’m not here to tell you how to navigate conflict, or set boundaries, or fix what’s broken. Instead, I want to have an honest conversation about something we do have control over: how we show up in our relationships.

Because the truth is, relationships—whether with a partner, our kids, our family, our friends, or even God—don’t just “work” on their own. They require attention and intention. They require our presence. And they require us to be grounded in who we are first, so we can bring our best, most whole selves into the connections that matter most.

That is, except for our relationship with God. We can show up with God as a hot mess, and he’ll still be in a relationship with us.

Now, before we go any further, let me just say: this episode is not about telling you how to fix your relationships. It’s not a list of relationship advice or a, “do this and everything will be perfect.” Because relationships—whether they’re romantic, friendships, family, or otherwise—are not one-size-fits-all – they are deeply personal, layered, and complex.

Instead, this episode is about something more foundational. It’s about presence.

Because I believe that the way we show up in our relationships matters more than anything else.

In a world where we’re more connected than ever, why do so many of us feel disconnected from the people we love most? We have endless ways to communicate—text messages, social media, FaceTime, voice memos, quick check-ins. And yet, real, deep, and meaningful connection feels harder to come by.

And I think one of the biggest reasons for that is this: we are present everywhere, but fully present nowhere.

So today, we’re going to talk about how to shift that. How to bring more presence and intention into our relationships – and what happens when we drift apart. We’re also going to discuss how stillness and listening can help us build deeper bonds, and how gratitude—one of the simplest, yet most powerful tools—can transform the way we see the people in our lives. 

And lastly, we’re going to return to the relationship that often gets overlooked, but truly impacts everything else: the relationship with yourself. I know we dove deep into this topic last week, so if it helps, start there.

Also, full disclaimer: I am not a relationship expert, but I am someone who has spent years observing, reflecting, and learning about relationships— through my own experience, my relationships with my daughters, and the relationships I’ve seen flourish (or struggle) around me. 

I also want to be clear before we begin. This conversation isn’t about fixing other people. It’s about looking inward and asking: How am I showing up in my relationships? Am I being intentional, present, and engaged? Because when we change how we show up, our relationships change, too.

And, of course, I’ll share some journaling prompts at the end to help you reflect on how you show up in your relationships and how you want to be more intentional moving forward.

So grab your journal, take a deep breath, and let’s dive in.

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PART 1: PRESENCE—HOW ARE YOU SHOWING UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?

The first part of this episode is all about the power of presence in our relationships.

I want you to think for a moment about someone in your life who makes you feel seen.

Someone who, when you’re talking to them, makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world.

Maybe it’s a friend who always remembers the little details about your life. Maybe it’s a partner who listens deeply, without trying to fix or solve. Maybe it’s a mentor, a parent, a sibling—someone who, when you’re in their presence, makes you feel safe, valued, and understood.

Now I want you to think about what it is they do that makes you feel this way.

Because chances are, it’s not about what they say—it’s about how they show up.

They’re present. Fully engaged. Not distracted. Not scrolling their phone. Not waiting for their turn to talk. They are with you. Holding space and paying attention.

And I think, deep down, that’s what we’re all craving in our relationships.

But here’s the tricky part: we can’t control how present other people are with us. We can only control how present we are with them.

And I know—life is busy. We’re pulled in a hundred different directions. Our schedules are full. We’re multitasking constantly. But if we’re always operating at that speed, we miss the moments that matter most.

Because real connection happens in the pauses. In the moments where we slow down long enough to truly see each other.

So my question for you is: How present are you in your relationships? Do a quick check-in.

Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. When you’re talking to a friend, are you actually listening, or are you thinking about what you’re going to say next? Or if you’re talking on the phone, are you busy doing other things in the background as you listen? 

When you’re with your partner or your kids, are you truly engaged, or are you halfway checking your phone, running through your to-do list in your head? 

I’m so guilty of this one. I feel like, most of the time, I’ve got a million things on my mind and slowing down to fully listen to a story about homework or the funny thing that happened at theater rehearsal often requires a great deal of effort on my part. But I can see how the energy shifts in the conversation if I stop what I’m doing and just listen.

One of the most heartbreaking realities of modern life is that we are physically with people all the time, but mentally and emotionally, we’re somewhere else.

There are so many examples of this:

• Maybe you sit at the dinner table with your family, scrolling your phone while your kids are telling a story about school. You’re half-listening, nodding along, but if someone asked you to repeat what they just said, you’d struggle. You were there, but you weren’t there.
• Maybe you’re having coffee or lunch with a friend who’s sharing something really important to them, but in the back of your mind, you’re already thinking about what you have to do after this. You smile and nod, but you’re not fully present.
• Or maybe you and your significant other just sit next to each other at the end of a long day, watching TV or scrolling social media. You’re together, but there’s no real connection happening.

These moments might seem small, but over time, they add up. They create unnecessary distance. And eventually, we wake up wondering why our relationships feel flat or disconnected.

What would happen if we flipped these scenarios?

• Instead of parking your phone next to you at the dinner table, maybe you put your phone down, or better yet, leave it in another room completely. You make eye contact and engage in the conversation. You ask questions. You laugh. It’s a totally different experience – for all of you.
• Or what if at coffee with your friend, you lean in and just listen? Forgetting your agenda or what’s happening after this meeting, you respond with genuine care. You don’t rush to offer advice—you simply hold the space for them to speak.
• And what if, instead of defaulting to screen time at the end of a long day, you go for a walk with your partner? Get some fresh air and enjoy the conversation and connection. It doesn’t even have to be a long walk. Walk to the mailbox and back. Every little moment counts.

I think this is what I love so much about the power of a coaching relationship. I’ve had a coach for more than 20 years and I can’t imagine I’ll ever be without one. Because there’s something special about that really intentional hour. Where we’re both fully present to the conversation. 

This has also been one of the beautiful things I’ve noticed about the Be Still Collective calls – every one of us on the call is busy. But for that hour, we’re present to the conversation. It wouldn’t work if we weren’t. 

Presence is a choice. And the more we choose it, the deeper our relationships become.

We all crave connection.

But it’s too easy to move through our relationships on autopilot—exchanging quick check-ins, sending texts instead of calling, skimming the surface instead of really listening. We think we’re connected, but in reality? We’re just coexisting.

And I get it. Life doesn’t slow down, and sometimes, it feels impossible to create space for deeper connection.

But here’s the thing: Presence is the foundation of every thriving relationship. And presence isn’t just about being physically there—it’s about how you show up when you’re there.

Think about the last time you were in a conversation with someone, and you knew they weren’t fully present. Maybe they were scrolling on their phone, nodding along but not really listening. Maybe you could tell their mind was somewhere else.

Now, think about the last time someone was fully present with you. They listened—really listened. They made eye contact. They weren’t rushing to respond. They were there with you, in that moment.

Which one felt better?

If we want deep, meaningful relationships, we have to start with presence. And presence is a choice.

Presence is simple, and it’s free — but it’s not always easy. Because it requires us to set aside distractions and really show up. But the more we practice it, the more natural it becomes.

Here are a handful of journaling prompts to help you reflect on being present:

1. Think about someone you love deeply. How present are you when you’re with them? Be honest.
2. What distractions get in the way of your ability to be fully present?
3. How can you create more presence in your daily interactions?
4. Can you think of a time when someone in your life made you feel truly seen? What did they do?
5. Have you ever had a moment where you realized you were physically present but mentally checked out? What happened?
6. Can you recall a time when you made a conscious effort to be fully present in a relationship, and it made a difference?

One last note on presence, before we move on. So often, we go into relationships hoping the other person will make us feel seen, valued, and validated. But what if we flipped that and asked ourselves, “How am I showing up?” “Am I present, engaged, and offering what I’m hoping to receive?” 

This is where stillness plays such an important role here. And why I invite you back to the stillness on nearly every episode of this podcast. Because when we take the time to pause and reflect; and to ask these more profound questions, we begin to take greater ownership of our part in relationships instead of just reacting. 

Part 2: The Role of Stillness and Listening in Building Stronger Bonds

One of the biggest gifts of a stillness practice is that it teaches us how to listen.

Not just to God. Not just to ourselves. But to the people in our lives.

When we spend time in quiet reflection and train ourselves to sit in stillness, we develop the ability to be fully present—not just with ourselves, but with others.

I’ve noticed this in my own life. The more I’ve prioritized my own stillness practice, the more I’ve been able to listen—really listen—to the people I love.

I don’t rush to fill the silence. I don’t listen just to respond. I listen to understand.

And when you practice this kind of listening in your relationships, it changes everything.

Because so often, the people in our lives don’t need us to fix anything. They don’t need solutions. They don’t need quick advice. They just need to be heard.

Have you ever had a moment where you shared something vulnerable with someone, and instead of trying to solve it, they simply sat with you in it? They acknowledged your feelings. They made space for you. They said, I see you. I hear you.

That kind of presence? It’s healing.

Part 2: The Role of Stillness and Listening in Building Stronger Bonds

Stillness has the power to transform relationships.

We often assume that connection comes from what we say, but actually think it comes from how we listen.

I want to give you a few examples of how deeper listening changes everything:

• If you listen more deeply maybe a conversation goes deeper than expected. Maybe your friend shares something vulnerable, and instead of rushing to say, “Oh, I totally get it, that happened to me too,” you pause. You let them keep talking. You say things like, “Tell me more about that.” And suddenly, they feel truly heard, maybe even for the first time.
• Or maybe you try listening without fixing anything. Maybe your partner comes home after a long day, venting about something frustrating at work. Your instinct is to jump in and offer solutions. But instead, you just listen. You say things like, “That sounds really frustrating. I’m really sorry that happened.” And just like that, they feel understood.
• Or maybe you simply try creating space for someone who needs it. Maybe a friend is grieving, and instead of scrambling to say something to make it better, you sit in silence with them. You let them process. You’re just there.

One of the best ways to build trust and intimacy in any relationship is to simply hold space.

And this is something I’ve personally had to work on. I used to think being a good friend or partner meant giving advice, fixing things, or filling silences with words. And in my case specifically, my real struggle comes in trying to get others to see the bright side. The silver lining. But that’s not always what people need to hear in those moments. I’ve had to really work on learning that sometimes, the most powerful thing I can do is just listen.

Here are some quick journaling prompts about stillness and listening:

1. Can you think of a time when someone really listened to you, and it changed how you felt? Describe the shift. How did you feel walking into the conversation, and how did you feel when the conversation was over?
2. Have you ever had a moment where you resisted the urge to “fix” and instead just held space for someone? What happened as a result?
3. Are there relationships in your life right now where you could practice deeper listening? Be honest.

Learning how to hold space for ourselves automatically translates into knowing how to better hold space for each other, instead of rushing to fill it.

Practicing stillness makes those pauses in conversation and connection, where you might not otherwise know what to say … feel less awkward. As a result, we can be more intentional in how we show up.

And when we’re showing up as who we intentionally want to be – it has a huge impact on the quality of our relationships.

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PART 3: INTENTIONALITY—RELATIONSHIPS DON’T THRIVE BY ACCIDENT

This actually leads me right into the next topic: Being intentional. 

Because relationships don’t thrive by accident. 

Have you ever had a friendship slowly fade, not because of conflict, but simply because life pulled you in different directions?

It happens to all of us. And sometimes, it’s natural. People grow, seasons change. But other times? Those relationships don’t have to end. They just need intentionality to bring them back to life.

Here’s something I’ve learned: The relationships that last aren’t the ones that just “happen.” They’re the ones we nurture. They’re the ones we check in on, the ones we make time for, the ones we show up for even when life gets busy.

So if there’s someone in your life you’ve drifted from—and you miss them—take the first step. Send the text. Make the call. Be the one who reaches out.

Because connection isn’t just about who we have in our lives—it’s about who we choose to keep showing up for.

In fact, I just did this the other day. I was driving home from running an errand in town, and two friends came to mind. We used to live in the same neighborhood and saw each other all the time. But these days – we no longer live down the street from one another, so it takes more effort to get together. 

Now, normally, they’d have come to mind, and I would have thought about them and smiled, and that would have been where it stopped. I’m not great at being the first person to reach out, if I’m being honest. But I felt prompted. So, as I was driving, I sent a quick voice text to both of them. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Want to have lunch?” The response was immediate – “YES!” 

This did two things for me in that moment. It reminded me how simple it is to extend an invitation. And now, it also gives me something to look forward to.

Think about this as it relates to your own life:

1. Is there a friendship or relationship in your life that has drifted? Do you want to reach out? Will you?
2. What is one small way you can intentionally connect with someone this week?

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PART 4: THE RELATIONSHIP WE OFTEN OVERLOOK

The next piece of relationship I want to dig into is one that’s often overlooked and one we discussed in depth last week, but it’s worth repeating because it fits.

It’s the one relationship that impacts all of the others.

The relationship you have with yourself.

If we don’t love, respect, and take care of ourselves, it’s hard to show up fully in any other relationship. Because when we’re burnt out, disconnected, or constantly doubting ourselves, it seeps into everything.

This is something I’ve been learning firsthand as I’ve stepped back into dating. I’ve seen so many people in the online dating world who clearly don’t know who they are or what they want. Instead they focus solely on what they like to do and where they like to go. But for me … I need more than that. 

And at the same time, I understand why this is the main theme of most online dating profiles. We haven’t been conditioned to know ourselves wholly before stepping into relationships with others. It almost seems like we’ve been taught that if we have enough in common, the relationship will take care of itself. But if we’re not solid in ourselves first, we’ll struggle in any relationship we enter.

But what’s also interesting to me, is that I’ve noticed my own growth in this process – who I am now in this season vs. who I was in my 20s when I was dating. 

I’m not just swiping and hoping for someone to complete me. I’m aware of my own wholeness, and that has changed everything. I recognize that I bring with me the relationship energy that clearly reflects what’s going on inside me. And I need that energy to be an honest reflection of who I am, or I understand that whatever new relationship I embark on will have a missing component if I’m not.

So here’s my question for you: How is your relationship with you? Are you taking care of yourself—not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually? Are you making time for stillness? Are you talking to yourself with kindness and grace?

Because the best relationships don’t come from finding someone to complete us, they come from being whole on our own. I’m not going to dive too deeply into this topic today because we covered a lot of ground in our last episode – all about self-love. So I encourage you to go back and listen to that episode when you’re ready.

In the meantime, however, here are just a handful of Journaling Prompts on this topic:

1. How do I feel about the relationship I have with myself?
2. In what ways am I caring for my mind, body, and spirit?
3. What is one way I can nurture my own well-being this week?

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Part 5. How This Applies to a Relationship With God

After focusing on the relationship you have with yourself, I’d like to turn the focus to the relationship that grounds all others. That is, the relationship we have with God.

After all, the relationship we have with God is the most important relationship in our lives. And here’s something I’ve learned: the same principles that deepen our human relationships — presence, listening, and gratitude—are what also deepen our relationship with God.

Think about it.

• If we’re too busy, too distracted, or too wrapped up in our own thoughts to be truly present with the people we love, the same thing happens with God.
• If we don’t take time to listen in our relationships — I mean, really listen, beyond just hearing the words—how can we expect to hear what God is whispering to us in the stillness?
• And if we aren’t grateful for the relationships we already have, how can we fully appreciate the way God has designed our lives to be interwoven with others?

Presence with God

Most of us long for a deeper connection with God, but if we’re honest, we often struggle to make time for it. We let the distractions of the day get in the way, and before we know it, we’ve gone days, weeks, or even longer without sitting in the stillness with Him.

But here’s the truth: God is always present. We are the ones who forget to show up.
When we take intentional time—just like we would for any important relationship—to be still, to sit in His presence, and to create space for Him, we begin to feel that closeness again. It takes no time at all.

One of the simplest but most profound shifts I’ve made in my spiritual life is treating my time with God like I would time with a dear friend. Instead of approaching it as a routine obligation—prayer, check; Bible reading, check—I began approaching it as a relationship. One where I could simply sit, be still, and allow myself to feel His presence.

And just like with any relationship, the more time you spend together, the stronger the bond grows.

Listening to God

Listening is a skill that deepens relationships, and that includes our relationship with God. But let’s be honest—most of us struggle with listening, even in prayer.

• We come to God with our requests, our worries, our to-do lists of things we need Him to handle.
• But how often do we sit in the stillness, simply to hear what He has to say?

Listening to God is a practice. It requires making space for quiet, journaling our thoughts and reflections, and tuning in to the subtle ways He speaks to us throughout the day.

• Maybe He speaks through a passage of scripture that hits differently than before.
• Maybe it’s a conversation with a friend that sparks a new perspective.
• Maybe it’s the nudge in your spirit that you can’t quite explain, but you know it’s leading you somewhere.

God speaks in many ways. The question is—are we listening?

I will always encourage you to make space in your schedule for stillness – even if you don’t bring your journal. I personally have heard some profound things from God in the stillness that I otherwise wouldn’t have access to. 

Links mentioned in this episode:

To Download My Journaling 10-in-10: www.bestillwithbobbi.com

To Join The Be Still Collective: www.bestillwithbobbi.com/community