EP.4: Prayer & Journaling – Part 1

Do you pray? What is your relationship with prayer? Do you feel pressure and anxiety when you hear the word, “prayer?” Or does it bring you comfort and peace? My own journey that led me to my current prayer practice was anything but a straight line. Growing up in a traditional church environment made me feel as though prayer is meant to be proper and carries with it a set of unspoken rules. What I know now is that prayer is nothing more than a conversation with God. It can be as simple or complex as you want it to be, but one thing I know for sure these days – there are no rules. Listen in as I walk you through my journey. I’m glad you’re here.

Hi! We’re on episode four. I’m kind of excited about this little podcast.

I sat here just a minute ago as I contemplated exactly what I wanted this episode to be about. My initial thought was it would be about both journaling and prayer – two things I bring into my stillness practice every day. But then I took a couple of deep breaths, and said my own little prayer before I hit record, and the word “prayer” was the dominant theme that rose to the top.

So I’m talking about prayer in today’s episode. I’ll probably talk about journaling in another episode this week, just so I can get them in back-to-back because they really do go hand-in-hand.

The first question I want to ask you is, do you pray? What is your relationship with prayer? It’s an interesting topic to me because I have varied experience. I’ll give you a little bit about my background first. But then I really want to talk to you about what prayer has become in my life. And I hope that you will find it helpful for you as you navigate your own quiet time and stillness practice.

When I first started to pray, the way that I pray now, it felt awkward and disjointed. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. But before that, my background with prayer … I grew up in church, I grew up in an incredibly loving church environment that felt like an extension of my family. We were there at least three times a week.

It was a family affair. We were involved. We were there of course on Sunday morning, we were sometimes there on Sunday evening, I was involved in Pioneer girls, (if you know don’t what that is, it’s kind of like Girl Scouts for church). I was in plays, I was on the church softball team, my mom worked in the office – it was a huge part of our lives.

And to be honest, growing up, I loved being in that environment. I loved having what felt like a large, extended family. And the way I saw church was from this innocent place of … teach me I’m a sponge … I was soaking in everything they were saying.

I knew God was watching over us. I knew I could pray to him whenever I wanted to. But it’s interesting when you’re young how you’re taught to pray. From what I witnessed, I really just developed my own ideas about what prayer was and what it wasn’t.

Prayer was for the sick, prayer was for the lost, and prayer was for the recovering. Prayer was for others. Prayer was typically others focused, which is fantastic. But somewhere along the way, I linked up that prayer for others is what prayer is, prayer for yourself is selfish.

What I know now is that’s not the case. I also know now (that I didn’t know then) that prayer doesn’t have to look or sound a certain way. It doesn’t have to have a proper beginning and a specific middle and a proper end. It can just be a conversation. I didn’t really learn that until I was 28.

I was feeling lost in my life and wondering how in the world I got to where I was. Up until that point I thought I’d been making solid decisions in my life, but I felt very out of sorts. Quite honestly, at the time, I remember thinking, “I mean, maybe I’m not fixable, maybe this is just what life is like, nobody told me that. Nobody wanted to spill the beans, that being a grown up is hard. And you might feel lost most of the time.”

So I sought the help of a counselor and feel like I got the very best one. That was way back in 2004. When I first met with him (my counselor), I remember fumbling around saying things like, “I don’t know, I might be broken, you might not be able to fix me. But here’s, here’s all that’s happening. I don’t know what I want. I know, it’s not this. I don’t know what I want my life to look like. But certainly there must be something else besides what I’m living.”

He patiently guided me through that first session, assuring me I wasn’t crazy, asking really good questions that were thoughtful and dug deep to the core of who I was.

I’ll never forget two things from that first session. One, when I got up to leave, he said, “Can I pray for you?” And me being naive, said, “Sure.” I’d seen this dozens of times growing up in church where someone would, you know, put their hand on your shoulder and be like, “I’ll pray for you. I’m praying for you.” And then they would walk away. THAT was what I was expecting.

He said, “Can I pray for you?” And I said, “Sure.” But then he stopped what he was doing any prayed for me right then. And I honestly don’t remember a single word he said because I was sobbing.

I’d never heard that kind of prayer … said for me, with me and over me. I’ve never felt so seen and vulnerable all at the same time.

And I remember thinking, “What have I gotten myself into?” But I felt relief. When I walked out of that office, that one emotion, that one feeling of relief, it made me want to go back.

He gave me an assignment right before I left. This is the second part to what I remember from that first session. He said, “I want you to go home and I want you to pray, do you pray?” I said, “Yeah, I pray every night. I say my prayers.” But then I said, “If I’m being really honest, most of the time, it’s like, ‘Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. And also, oh, shoot, I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning. And oh, I gotta remember to set my alarm early for tomorrow because I said I was gonna have coffee with so and so …”

It was distracted prayer, because it was me trying to do the right thing. I was trying to recite the things that I knew to recite, to be grateful. And he said, “Okay, if you’re praying in your head, and you’re getting lost in your thoughts and feeling distracted, I want you to pray out loud.”

And I remember thinking, “I’m sorry, you want me to do what? I live alone in an apartment, and the walls are thin. I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” But he got this little smile on his face. And he was like, “Yeah, it might be uncomfortable, but I just want you to try it.” So I said, “Okay, fine, fine. I’ll try it.” Thinking to myself, “I will not try it.

But later that night, something in me was like, “Okay, well, you said you would so you probably should try.” I remember sitting on the end of my bed and I just took a deep breath and I was like, “Hey, God,
it’s me … BUT … you probably already know that. So what should we talk about?”

And everything else just sort of came out after that. I didn’t have to think about what to say next. I didn’t get distracted. Or think about my dry cleaning. I just talked out loud. And somehow I just knew that God was right there in that space with me.

So it went from being extremely awkward and nerve wracking to be the most comfortable I’ve felt, not only in my home, but in my own skin in that moment, and I just thought, “All right, there’s something to this.”

Now, I don’t always pray out loud. I use my journal. My journal is my prayer. I’m writing my prayers to God every day. And he is right there with me as I write. The funny thing is, sometimes I sit down and I think I don’t even know what to pray for. But then, if I sit there for a minute, and take a deep breath, and just let my pen hit the paper, the thing I most need to say, comes out. And sometimes the thing I most need to hear back from God is right there too. And as soon as I start writing.

I don’t know if prayer is a part of your daily life, if you have a prayer practice you’re already committed to, if you talk to God while you’re in your car, or when you’re on a walk. Or never. I would just like to invite you into having an out loud conversation with him if you’ve never tried it.

And if that’s too scary, grab a notebook and a pen and write whatever’s on your heart. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want to say. have found the most peace and the most comfort and the most
really cool conversations praying to God this way, listening for his voice to echo back when I most need to hear.

I would love it if, you if you have a prayer practice or if you try this for yourself, I would love to know about it. So send me a note. Let me know how it goes. Let me know how I can encourage you. Or if you have more questions. I’m here and so is God. I think that’s the most important part because he’s there always. And when you show up so does he – every single time.

You can email me at bobbi@bestillwithbobbi.com. I’d love to hear your prayer story.